listening in to the discussion about stereotypes and how we feel about them during the Grace Lee Project movie was very good incite on how other people react to people stereotyping them and how it affected them. I know I had my own share of people critizing me for who I am or what I'm not, and I guess I should have been more strong and stood up for myself like people talked about during the discussion... but of course it's hard. Coming from a family where my brother and I were the only children with asian decent in a large family of mostly white farmers and hunters led to much criticizing during family socials/ get-togethers. Being really small, one of the only asians in class, and having almost all girls as being friends led to alot of kids critizing me about my physical appearance,race, and I guess sexuality. I remember in 4th grade, I was trying to befriend this girl but she told me she didnt want to talk to me because she thought I looked "different" and considered me to be "ugly. I guess this is my root for alot of people saying I'm "shady" or "non-approachable", but its just because I don't want this to happen to me again, so i tend to avoid confrontations to avoid being judged.. though I know not everyone judges people.
Not only this, but trying to balance myself between either being "white" or "filipino" was confusing, and I can't say that I've felt accepted in either of them, but im working on it. I don't understand the reasoning for the start of critizing in schools but its there, and I guess there's the main reason my confidence level is close to none. But as I grow each day, I get better and better.. the only problem is if something like that happens to me, I find that I start back at the beginning and have to work my way back up after working so hard before.
If anyone got this far, I guess I'd like to know how people hold their ground, how people are so confident.. and where they get that confidence.. so far.. I've set goals for myself to break out of my shell.. most are in the process of being accomplished, and I hope all of them can be. (ie, getting involved, doing more than just sit on the computer. etc.)
This weekend was Awesome!!! Thanks to everyone who participated! (ie. renee, ace, kenji, juli, boy, ASA/VASA people) Friday Even though the week was cram time for exams, there was a lot to look forward to. We had the VASA's semi-formal Dance and Luarie's 21st Birthday party at Glo Lounge. The semi-formal was first. We had to dress nice and I think we all looked great. We met a lot of people who usually don't go to regular ASA meeting and had an overall good time, well at least I think we did. Renee and I danced a bit and Ace and Kenji just watched since they dont really dance =/ (unless drunk) After the dance we went to eat at Steak-n-Shake. Im spending to much money on food where i need to save for OneesanMas x.x
Saurday Saturday was the big day for me because it was club night... and you all know how much I love clubbing!!!! Plus it was Laurie's Birthday! It started at 10 and we got there near 11, I thought we were going to be late, but Krystle was like.. "you guys are early XD". Asians are usually "fashionably" late I guess. But we were all a bit under the influence beside the driver (kenji) so it was alot easier to talk to the people who we were aquanted to. but that night was ALOT of fun and i mean ALOT!
Sunday boring day >.> though we watched Totoro! AND IM SO DISSAPPOINTED WITH WHO WON THE HAPPY 8TH AUDITION FOR HELLO PROJECT!! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRG. I was expecting at least 2 people but NO only one was accepted and it's the one I didnt even want to win >_> SUCKS! arg i hope she gets better throughout her time in H!P >.>
Im impressed with this XD When I first heard it I liked it but not too much, but after listening and watching it a couple more times, I'm obsessed with it! I like the direction american music is going lately (well the music i listen to) Like Sexy Back, Fergy, Gwen, everything is getting so catchy. Anyway I hope you enjoy it as much as I did XD Its very odd and original, thats why i love it.
I want a puppy xD And i need money from inay --> We're going to go look at some australian shepherd puppies today at 5 =D Doubt we'll get one today but maybe.
Today our Anthropology teacher asked "what type of birds are nocturnal?" The majority of the class said an owl, but one girl that was sitting behind Renee and I said " oh a Bat !!" I had to hold in my laughter but I WAS tearing up. She then continues to say "Wow I can't believe I was the only one to say that! I must be special! How come no one else said bat?"... well... BECAUSE A BAT IS NOT A BIRD YOU RETARD !! I'm starting to question the accuracy of the students chosen by UCF based on their acedemic level... In the same class, we overheard a girl say she received a 48 on her first Astronomy exam.. she must have done nothing and/or not paid any attention in class because when I took that class, it was very easy. I might sound like an ass but I don't think students should be accepted to an university if they are not committed to maintain their grades, it makes the school as a whole seem just like another level of high school.
But besides that, since my last update, which was still the time when Dennis was here, I've been pretty much in the same state of mind. Still angry =]
In classes, I can say that I think I'm doing fairly well. Even though I did not do as well as I wanted in some of my first exam classes, I now know what to expect in the exams and I know what I should prepare for. History I am doing awesome in, which is a surprise to me! I was told that the essay exam and written exam were on the same day as Renee (who's in a different class but the same teacher), but the teacher switched the exam days between the two classes. Therefore, I was not prepared when I was handed out the written exam when I was expecting the esaay, but, I passed with an 85, with no studying! The essays, we were told, were lacking the content that she wanted and were given an average lower grade. Therefore, our teacher had to add extra points in later exams so that the first would not affect the students as much. I passed the essay with a 100% =] (sounds like I'm bragging, which in an extent I am, but I'm just proud of myself)combined total of a 93%. Good start in that class. The other exams I received an 86 in Anthropology, 78 in government and communication.
I've applied to work at a couple places for work, still no answer. But I assumed that it would be fairly complicated to find a job at this time, and moreso hard for me to be hired since I have no work background. I really need a job. I always like the feeling of having a good sum of money on my hands, and I want that to continue, but I need a job! I pretty sure I owe a lot of money to some people, and that's where my first paycheck (if i ever get one) will go. I just got 300 from inay for food, but 250 will go to ace, and 100 for my bday from her (which she told me to also use for food so it's not technically bday money), so I'm down to 150 for another month. I'm really interested to work at a pet store, or bed bath and beyond, but if worse comes to worse, i'll apply and random places no matter what it is.
So far, I've made no new friends. 0. none at all. it sucks ass ! But it's only the beginning of the school year and I have alot of time to meet new people, but I always get the feeling that people either hate me on sight, don't have any interest in meeting me, or think I'm mean/shaddy. I don't understand why either. I don't think I'm not approachable, and I would like to think I have a fair personality. I need to be more outgoing but there's a lot of variables that hold me back. I think im going to get the courage to go to an ASA, or FSA meeting or two so that I have a ground to work off of.
On other notes... I really like my hair short. I mean, its not like early high school mikey short where there was nothign to it. So I'm probably going to keep it at a short length, well shorter.
-start rant here (skip if you dont want to read emo-ness)- My future still holds nothing for me. I've no idea of what "I" want to be or what "I" do best. Whatever I can do, there's a million people out there a million times better than me, and in this current society where the best profit, I can't picture myself using my talents in a work related situation. There's nothing at UCF to major in that interest me, so I don't even know why I'm going here. If I find another university that holds a major in which I feel I can "do", I'll probably want to transfer, and probably will. I need to start thinking about myself because this is what sets my future. I dont want to be in school for more than 4+ years, even though it seem inevidible, but I need to decide situations so they benefit me. All in all, I need to declare a major..
Right now, I've been on a permanent bitch mode. A lot of things irritate me (within reason), dissappointed with a couple of people (not saying any names), dissappointed with myself, and I guess I can say I'm just not happy ideally. Don't misinterpret thinking I hate everything and everyone at the moment, I'm just not happy. I've missed too many opportunities to make me happier too. I want to go back in time and do many things differently. My middle-high school years, my life now, California -.-. In communications, our guest speaker ask the class who was entirely happy with their life at the moment, and only 2 or 3 raised their hands. I don't see how they got to that point where everythign is going the way they want. I can't picture that at all.
Grats Rin on the DD and 5k+ views. Your art will definitly get you somewhere =]
Reading brenda's journal about her situation with thomas pains me. He doesn't deserve another chance, and hopefully Brenda wont give it to him, but, I dont know if i misinterpreted, it seems like she may. Get rid of the douche now before it gets even worse brenda, it'll be for your benefit. (my opinion)
anyway... im blank now~ remember.. bats are not birds!
goign home tomorrow with cowboy i guess . will be there around 4 ish i think. dont know what to expect with arriving back with inay but i guess ill see what happens. last time i talked to her on the phone (yesterday) she didn't sound too angry / pissed off at every word i said.
Life after Cali -->
everyone knows how Cali went im sure, if not refer to acey's journal XP all iknow it was probably the best experience of my life so far, even better than japan. Not only did we see Hyde but we met up with amazing people which i wish could always stay close to us. Hopefulyl we all will keep in touch even though its not looking like we will =/ Ill probably only talk /see Chris on RO, i talk moreso with Dennis when he gets on, and Udon only talks when I IM her first XD Lmnz never IMs first and whenever I do the response is enough to end the conversation. Niki and Ashley I can probably keep in touch with easily since they myspace alot and are usually on =P
Doubt ill speak with Carl again, im pretty sure I made a horrible first impression which isn't new since when it comes to talking / making conversation with people i like/liked, there actually will be no conversation and I probably wasnt who he was expecting. too bad though since he was an awesome person. In those situations, im too busy trying to think of what to say to even know what I'm going to say, if that makes any sense at all. Like ill be thinking "what should i say now" or "how should i react to this conversation" instead of actually thinking about the conversation entirely. This also happens with new people, but not so much since i don't care about what they would think of me in that way. I don't know why I just can't be myself with everyone, not just the people I've know forever. Therefore, i give up in the relationship department XD
Basically, I think ill just go asexual forever since im horrible at this kind of thing XD I dont see myself being in any type of relationship in the future even though its really getting to me now when it never use to. And it sucked how alot of people just suddenly paired up with someone during the convention =/ They make it seem so easy~
its 4:00 am and im not tired, but need to get semi early to pack for tomorrow~ ja ne.
edit~~ seriously in love with Perfume now , hopefully their newest single will sell well to get them out more!
Firstly, to explain. We all know how Inay is in the Philippines right now. She was given enough money ( i think 500) to be able to survive there for the amount of time she is there. 500 doesn't sound like much but 1 dollar = 50 dollars there. Dad gave her 600 more as a bday gift to be able to spend as well. Thats 1100 for about 1 month being there. I had 1000 in japan which is way more expensive and I survived. Inay, even though she has enough, wants to take out more money. For what? we have no idea. Dad said she took out 500 just to go to the beach and spent it all. 500 TO GO tO THE BEACH. 500 x 50 = 25000 in philippines JUST TO GO TO THE BEACH. Dad calls her this morning and tells her that she needs to stop spending more money or else we're going to have nothing, and guess who she blames. ME AND ROCKY, but shes sending me all the threats.
First message i get at 6 am --> "NEXT TIME YOU GO WITH YOUR FRIENDS DONT DEPEND ON YOUR DAD N MOM NO MORE IM NOT HELPING BOTH OF YOU WITH YOUR EDUCATION."
now this was out of the blue and im surprised i even woke up to the phones messages ring. But i had no idea what to expect. did we do something with our friends? and if we did, how did she find out that soon? Even when we're with our friends, whats that got to do with money at all? we barely even spend money when we're together, we just hang out. This leads to the conclusion that she is just making excuses for her own mistakes. She's blaming rocky and I for the money issue when we did not do anything at all. I replied with
"What is this about?Whata re we doing wrong? Stop threatening! I dont understand..."
Whenever theres a problem she threatens our link to our education. She says, I wont help pay for your education if you do this or dont do this etc. Luckily, dad was just leaving for work and I called for him. I asked what was going on and why inay was sending me these messages. He said that he had just finished talking to her about the money situation and that shes mad that he didnt call her before paying the bills. Shes mad that he paid the car insurance early when he had one more day to do it. he said "if i didnt pay that on time, we would have no insurance at all."
Next Inay message --> " NEED YOU BOTH 2 START MAKING MONEY N SPEND WHAT YOU EARN N BE RESPONSIBLE. TIRED OF TAKING CARE OF BUNCH OF BABIES" and the next one was "MAKE SURE YOU BOTH HAVE YOUR COLLEGE LOAN IS SET 4 THIS SEMESTER IF NOT FIND JOB"
for one, that was rather rude, and two, its nice to know that taking care of your own children was so irratating to her. why did she have children at all then? She's obviously pulling random excuses to yell at us when shes the one who is not being responsible not watching what she spends in the philippines. She's the one who wont even go out and find a jobt o help support our family. grr. This is where i start to contact her. Since she had just finished talking to dad, I figured she would sitll be home. So i call her and get alot of rings, then i hear thephone cuts off. I call again, hear less amounts of rings, and the phone cuts off. I call and call and each time no more rings until she finally turns off her phone. "im sorry, the phone you are trying ot reach in unavailable right now". Why is she running away from me? I just wanted to talk to her and know whats going on. Why is she running away from her children, what does she have to hide D:
so i send "Mom, pick up the phone! i've been calling."
after that, she sends another message--> "if cowboy is sharing with you give his rent 2 ur dad n i dont want 2 pay ur fined book not return" (this all in caps, i forgot to turn cap locks on XP)
It was a mistake telling her about cowboy staying in our apartment. She knows about him helping pay rent (200 dollars though she said 300) and she even wants him to pay all the rent for the last month if i dont stay there. Cowboy is a close friend and I dont even think he has to pay at all. He needed a place to stay so he could go to summer school and we have a place. Dad said he didnt need to pay at all either but only Inay said he did. Since she was asking for me to give it to dad to put into her bank account, I got the impression that she wanted the money in soon so that she could take THAT money out to spend. i replied with:
"I know to give the moeny to dad when i get it. dad told me how your taking more money out. stop blaming us!!!"
after that, i tried calling more and more but still no reply. then i sent her: "why are you doing this to us?"
and this kills me. she replies with -->
"YOU HAD MY POCKET MONEY N I EVEN LEFT U WITH THE CARDS 2 U N DAD."
these "Cards" ,some of you know, are giftcards kinda like a debit card. they each have 500 dollars. I was told to use that card for my books this semester and thats what i plan to do. I havent touched the card except at mcdonald's that one time when it DIDNT EVEN WORK. now, why would she say "you had my pocket money"? What pocket money. what is she talking about? we havent spent any money at all since we've been here. She's getting all upset because dad told her to stop spending money the way she is so she brings it to me and rocky saying it is our fault she has no money. I thought she was better than that. Its funny how such a "christian" woman would slaughter her children just because of money. Its funny how money can change people, its funny how money can ruin a family, but then again, hasn't it always been this way?
I kept trying to call her because I wanted to set things straight. of course no reply so i ended the whole thing with BITCH!!!!!~~~~~~~~~~~
she left me no more messages after the "you took my spending money" and i left many more asking her to pick up her phone. This is the worse ive seen her, and shes definitely been far from an angel before. Dad came back in and said "she wanted 300 more dollars to rent a car on wednesday. i said 'hunny, youre flying wednesday why do you need a car? and she didnt say anything". This leads me to believe that she may actually be thinking of not returning, and I cant actually put all my emotions together to know if I actually care if she does or not. Im so dissappointed in her you have no idea. She was suppose to be me and rocky's support and pillar, and she just shown her weakness to money. All those stories inay tells us about father and all the stories dad tells us about her, which one is the truth and which one is not. Right now, i believe dad. I feel so sorry for him, he really loves her and shes doing this to him. whats happening with this family. At least me and rocky will always be there to support each other.
"you took my spending money" .... well you ruin my life.
sorry for ranting, and i dont know how much will actually read this far. Im tired, only got 2 hours of sleep and i doubt i can fall back to sleep. i wish we didnt have a broken family.
Went to the beach today. Feels like I haven't been to a beach in a very long time, but it was fun. Didn't get a bad farmer's tan like I remember having last time~ Something about the ocean makes everyone really hyper XP *thinks of everyone screaming at random waves with extremely distorted faces* Met up with Skye, haven't seen her since she left for college which was nice, and she brought her skinboard :D So we all tried to ride that thing and we all pretty much fell flat on our faces but we still had a blast. Had 3 guys come up to me and ace to have a pointless conversation xP
Them: "where you from?" Ace: "here." Them: "cool.."
and that was basically it XD Too bad we couldn't actually have a conversation with them, but I never know what to say in that kind of situation xp
Afterwards: Rin, Ace, Bekki, Rocky, and I went to our house to hangout for a bit. Rocky took a shower before Rin cutting his hair, and me Rin, bekki, and Ace did our usual bored "bedgames". Bedgames only happen at my house in bradenton i guess, well. there was the alarm incident in orlando i guess XD We all went to watch Rocky get his hair cut by rin since there was nothign else to do. She did an ok job except she blading 2 spots on the right side of his head XD Kinda scared to let her trim my hair now :<
I use alot of faces when i type.. xo
Inay called later on on my cell. She told me to call her back since her minutes are low so it took me 10 more minutes to get ahold of her again. She asked me if i got anythign for dad for fathers day. I told her I didn't since I had no money at all. (im still at -41 x.x) She told me that was an excuse. I told her what I've been up to and everythign was going fine. I told her about me going back to Orlando on the 26th and that I wouldnt be home when she came back so I think that is all set. I told her about how our check for rent was late and I was close to getting evicted and she replies with:
"I knew this would happen, you have to be more responsible. I know this would happen if I left you alone, you need mommy."
For one, it wasnt my fault that the check wasn't sent becasue a.) I don't even pay for the rent and b.) I was in japan during the day rent is suppose to be paid. I usually dont think about rent since the first 2 years inay and dad are supporting me in my college, then its my turn. I wonder how she'll react when i tell her i lost my scholarship..... probably something to the extent of "I knew I shouldn't have let you go to Japan, you didnt deserve it. Im not letting you do anything like that anymore." I know it is my fault for not keeping my GPA, but it was only one class that did me in V.V bah. After that everythign went downhill. Her tone of voice just got more angry and I didn't even know why. I asked her about a July 4th party during that weekend (like we planned) but she said no. She doesn't want anymore kids at our house and its the other parents turn to keep everyone. She said "They need to spend time with their parents, not you." ...but... don't they? It's not like we're around each other 24/7 :< After that, I just didnt feel like conversating, so she said she was going to go. I said I love you to her since i do miss her and DO love her even though shes a pain, and she replies with "really?" ..
Anyway, nothing else really happened, sitting on my computer starring at the screen till 3-5 am again. at least with RO i time went by really fast, but Im so bored of committing myself to an online game, and its definitely a waste of time , so I stopped. But now I do nothing xo hoping people IM me and talk, but i can't keep a conversation either XP
my IMs -->
Me: hey hey Other: hellos Me: how are you =D? Other: Im good
Days are going by very slowly. Rocky came to visit on Friday for a week, so it's now me, father, and him at home. No fights or anything yet, and hopefully none, but a talk that the three of us usually have about Inay (mostly) happened. We usually go into some sort of "talk" when my dad gets home, usually after having a few beers. Usually it's angry talks but this one was ok. Besides Inay, just talked about our (my brother and I) future, and that he supports us and he assures that Inay does as well. Rocky has his future set to teaching English in Japan (unless he changes) and I have mine set to nothing. I don't even have a clue about what to do. The ideas I have are unrealistic but I dont see myself working at a desk for the rest of my life, or anythign mechanical either. I just need to think about the talents I have, what I like doing, and what I work well with, then go from there. I wish I were really good at singing because that would be a fun career to pursue i think. bah I don't like thinking about the future ~ We also talked about waiting to get married/ have kids. hahahahaahahahaahahaahahah gomen~
This school year is critical for me, and I have to be responsible and do my work the best I can with ALL my effort, not just some, because I need my scholarship >_>; For those who didnt know, I was 0.3 points under the minimum GPA to maintain my scholarship, so now I have none, but I can make it up with this school year and Im sure i can do it =P ( Damn Art History which I didnt even need to take >:| ). I'm just worried about Inay/Dads response because they'll think itll be the end of my college but I have a stafford loan somehow for these 2 terms. (I have no idea where it came from though and its enough to pay for my classes XD). I'd rather just tell mom because I think she believes in me more than my dad.
I still haven't gotten a hold of my Accountant at the apartment >:| Evicition here I come.
Cali is only 11 days (?) away. I said to my dad that I'd probably need to go back to orlando before Inay gets back because a.) I need to pay my library debt so i can sign up for classes, b.)need to check my apartment stuff , and c.) need to get all my stuff to move out again~ His response was ... "I was hoping you could stay when she got back.. but I was hoping you wouldn't either." He wants to do "stuff" with inay when she gets back .. Kitanai XD.. Im going to call Inay soon so she has a heads up to where I'm going to be. Then I should be all set. Hopefully cowboys mom will give me enough money to survive. Ill starve myself if I have to just to be able to go >:|
Anyway, can't think of anything else to say. Don't know if anyone actually reads it all =P Ja ne~
Gonna follow the trend Bekki and Ace started since It's so close XD Only 17 / 13 days left (if I calculated correctly xD)
The past 2 days, the power in my house has been cutting on and off, and the air conditioning has not been working. Came home last night in pitch black, 80+ degrees inside, and was like, ok going to Rin's house. Thankfully dad knows all about fixing anything so he figured out the problem and everything is ok now :D~ Wish I knew what to do in situations like that, but I'm not much of a mechanic =x
Still haven't been able to contact my apartment's accountant about the whole "being evicted" thing. Dad said he sent in the check on the 6th, 2 days after deadline. Ill try calling tomorrow, but if I do happen to be "evicted", I was only going to be there another week or so, 1 week being Cali, so it's not too big of a deal I think. Im just worried that being evicted is put into your records or something. I need to call Inay about it, but I dont know what shell say about it.
Acey --> "Hush" from W-inds hurts me XDDD "keep it hush hush baby....hush hush...hush hush..." really reminds me of the 'Nsynce song "dirty pop" XD no Keita nooooo.
I decided to make a new journal because I think a lot of things have changed since my past journal entries, either it being my personality/who I am or just everything in general like relations, etc. And I wasn't too happy with how much un-needed entries I had which remind me of the life I had pre-college. Not saying I did not enjoy it but a lot of memories I just want to forget and try not to think about.
To me, the future looks completely different from the life I am at right now. Ive grown in so many ways, like I'm not as shy and I'm more outgoing when it comes to meeting new people and doing new things. My second year I think I will go out more, get a job, and be happy having the extra money in my pocket to do things I want to do. I want to be more independent and more responsible, because I know in those qualities, I've been slacking. I want to be able to make more friends, though I love the ones I have right now and they'll always be the best =P, its kinda disheartening to think that I only made 2-3 friends in my first year in college. ganbare! >:3
With Cali less than 20 days away, I'm just hoping everything will work out right and no one will have to worry about anything, I know I will though. I just wish I could tell Inay that we're going and that she would be perfectly fine with it but she wouldn't understand the reasoning nor will she understand that everyone will be fine. I mean, everything is pretty much paid for so it's not like its going to cost too much, though im sure my family is pretty much broke now because of my trip to Japan and her trip to the Philippines. man I wish she understood...
Im glad everything is ok with everyone now =) its better that way. Im going to try to update more often, though I say that every time I start fresh, im going to try though XD not sure if anyone really is interested though XP anyway, Cowboy is the root!
shocked
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